My friend Joyce lost her husband four years ago. Last winter, a man named "David" started chatting with her on a word game app. He said he was a widower too, an engineer working on an oil rig overseas. Every morning, there was a sweet message waiting for her. He remembered her grandson's name, asked how her knee felt, and sent photos of sunsets from the rig.
For three months, Joyce was happier than I'd seen her in years. Then David had an emergency. His bank account was frozen overseas, he needed $4,000 for a customs fee to get home, and he'd pay her back the moment he landed. "Please don't tell anyone," he wrote. "I'm so embarrassed."
Joyce came to me before she sent it. She wasn't sure what she wanted me to say. I held her hand and said, "Let's check this together."
How do online friendship and romance scams work?
These scammers are patient. The FTC's guide to romance scams explains that they build trust for weeks or months, always have a reason they can't meet in person, and eventually ask for money for an emergency, travel, medical bills, or an investment.
They find people on dating sites, social media, and even game apps. And they don't only pose as romantic partners. Some pose as friends, pen pals, or fellow church members. The warm feelings are real on your side. That's exactly what makes it so painful.
What are the warning signs?
In plain words, slow down if the person always has a reason they can't meet or video chat, lives or works far away, like overseas, on an oil rig, or in the military, suddenly has an emergency that only your money can fix, or asks you to keep the relationship or the request a secret. Other red flags are requests for gift cards, wire transfers, or cryptocurrency, or tips about a "can't-miss" investment.
What should I do if an online friend asks for money?
Here's what to do, in plain words. First, pause and send nothing, not even a small amount "just to help." Second, tell someone you trust exactly what was asked, including any request to keep it secret. Third, ask for a live video call. A real person who cares about you can make that happen. If they refuse or keep making excuses, that's your answer.
You don't have to start by deciding the whole friendship was fake. You can simply say, "I care about this person, and I want help checking something."
What happened with David
Joyce asked David for a video call. He said the camera on the rig was broken. She asked again the next week, and he got angry and said she didn't trust him. That night her granddaughter searched for his photos online and found them on the page of a real engineer in Norway with a completely different name.
Joyce didn't send a dime. She reported the account to the app and at ReportFraud.ftc.gov. If you've already sent money, Bob's guide on what to do after sending money to a scammer walks through the next steps.
It's okay to grieve the friendship
Here's the part nobody talks about. Even after Joyce knew, she missed those morning messages. That's normal, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. The feelings were real, even if he wasn't. Be gentle with yourself, and lean on real people who will listen without a lecture. The AARP Fraud Watch Network Helpline at 877-908-3360 is a kind place to talk it through, and so is your church, your friends, or your doctor.
If quiet evenings are part of what made those messages so welcome, I wrote about keeping real people in your week.
Take good care of yourself, and take even better care of each other.
Has someone you know been targeted by an online friend asking for money? Share this with them gently, and tell me in the comments what helped.
